Weary...but...

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, 

if we do not give up. --Galatians 6:9

Ok. But what happens when we ARE weary whether we like it or not? I ask myself this because I am weary. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I've found that some clarity comes from the later part of the verse... "do not give up". I am not giving up.

For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully 

works within me.--Colossians 1:29

This I can do only be God's grace and His power that works within me. I know that my power will not suffice. But in my weakness that feels nearly overwhelming at times, I see God's perfect grace and love. I hear him rejoice over me with singing, not because of anything I've done, but just out of his beautifying love. How great his grace. All is grace.

Thankful today.

612. Grieving in front of the world
613. The casket not fitting at first and D joking about how you can't keep a good man down
614. "How the Emptiness Sings"
615. People who write me their prayers for me
616. Old friends who know me
617. Loaning books on kindle
618. A chat with my friends gathered in Nashville for the Memorial Service there
619. Lots and lots of city power lately
620. All the people who deliver meals
621. Hot showers
622. the blood of Christ
623. forgiveness through the blood
624. cleansing through the blood
625. Jer's Bangladeshi skirt
626. getting over nearly vomiting at the sight and smell of blood

627. new back exercises and stretches that give me something to do that is focused

628. our working propane heater

629. hours that continue to pass by

630. being open and honest when people ask me how I'm doing (I don't know!)

631. the donations from the students for the family's tickets here

632. The continuing construction next door that lets me know of life going on

633. the ability to just be

For Such a Time As This...

The books on my shelf speak to me: You have been prepared.

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanuaken--The story of a man whose wife dies and he counts it mercy.
A Chance to Die by Elizabeth Elliot--The biography of Amy Carmichael and her willingness to die to self.
A Path Through Suffering also by Elizabeth Elliot
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

A few other biographies, some Agatha Christie mysteries, and Augustine's Confessions are there too. Some school books peer back at me with mocking as I avoid processing my grades. But those few titles stood out to me. These have been some of my favorite books and they are ready to walk with me again. Why did I love them before? Has God been preparing me for this? 

Luke 1:76-79

“And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Highest;
For you will go before the face of the Lord to prepare His ways,
To give knowledge of salvation to His people
By the remission of their sins,
Through the tender mercy of our God,
With which the Dayspring from on high has visited us;
To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death,
To guide our feet into the way of peace.”

Again Thankful... maybe?

Today I tried to be thankful as my grief was filmed  and photographed for national and international media.

Is this grace too?

"Really, God? This too?"
And he said, "Yes, this and all things for My glory."
"Is my pain to be spectacle?"
"Was Jesus' pain secret? Was it quiet and alone?"

"Ahhh... I see... this is part of the suffering.... And so I rejoice that I am counted worthy to suffer for Christ to be like him in all things."

All is Grace

All that I can do right now is count the little things... 


580. Finishing my little booklets project!
581. Pepperoni pizza
582. The smell of disinfectant
583. A good hair day
584. The grey tan sky with sun beams breaking through
585. Having made cinnamon rolls a month ago and put them in the freezer
586. The body of Christ is my family
587. The whole city is my family
588. The loss of my dear friend and colleague and my dear student (trying to be thankful here)
589. Peace with lots of people in my home
590. Food brought
591. Toilet paper brought
592. My team is my family
593. Ladies who come and remind me to eat
594. Heart-wrenching pain and the solemnity it causes
595. Joy from realizing the good that will come from sorrow and hurt
596. Understanding the meaning of communion and blood so much better
597. Notes, e-mails, condolences
598. Laughter over fond and funny memories
599. Pictures taken of quotes on my wall... "What is the gift in THIS moment?"
600. New found boldness
601. The beautiful snow that covers the city in white, there is so much symbolism there.
602. Identifying the attack of the evil one in myself and banishing it
603. Three days of our house filled wall to wall with people that are going from grief to joy
604. A day at home without more than 30 people in our home...
605. The flowers that people brought--so beautiful
606. Homemade toffee nut lattes brought by a dear friend
607. God's provision on a grand scale
608. My first night of solid sleep in several days
609. J doing our laundry, bless that woman!
610. The flower pin that R gave me and gives me hope
611. The knowledge that God will give me the grace to handle each day as it comes, even if looking forward can seem overwhelming

Freshly Planted

My latest craft project...

My prize box has been getting a little sparse lately. My students have been doing too well and therefore getting more prizes than I predicted. If I were going to have a problem, I guess this one would be one I would choose. One of their favorite things has been the little blank books I brought back from the States.

 

I used my sewing machine to sew several trimmed pieces of paper into a piece of fancy card stock.

 _______________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

I had a lot of fun putting these together. I just need to find a good way to make some look a little more masculine. Adding rivets, eyelets, and ribbon brought them up another notch. I think my fifth graders will really think these are great prizes... I hope.

  

Dishing it Up

This weekend my roommate and I took the time to get some much needed (and some not so needed) shopping done. For one, we bought a vacuum. It's beautiful and yellow and has a rotating brush to get up all of our long hair. It also is a good brand so we won't have to go shopping for another one for a very long time. In the Middle East, there are lots of knock off brands and things that come from who knows where. These can look legit but they die in a week and the shop owners will certainly not take it back. So it pays to be careful.

While the yellow vacuum cleaner is awesome and colorful, there were some other things that brought even more color and fun into our house.
At the bazaar we went through the second-hand fabric shops and found several new tablecloths. All are bright and cheerful and each one cost about a dollar. Yay for second hand!

Then we visited a pottery and dish store that we've been hearing about for months. Some of our dishes are chipped or cracked and I broke yet another bowl the other day. And so we decided to add to our collection and brighten them up some too. They are all so pretty!  

 

 I also have a list of things I am thankful for from this past week. 

559. Team dinner on a Wednesday

560. F's hugs

561. N and D thanking me for their Bibles

562. E-mails of encouragement in the dark times

563. New dishes in bright colors

564. Yellow vacuum cleaner

565. Bright tablecloths

566. The super helpful man at the Bosch store

567. Birthday flowers still growing weeks later.

568. The Litany of Humility

569. Planting my seeds

570. Bulbs sprouting in pots

571. Chasing the propane truck... it's good exercise especially if you don't manage to catch it

572. The Beatitudes

573. A new (surprise!)brother in Christ--how great is our God!

574. Knee Deep by the Zac Brown Band and my sister for playing it as her wake up alarm over Christmas--now it just makes me happy!

575. Trips to the bazaar with friends

576. Nacho Libre and nachos night with friends

577. Sunshine flooding in through lace curtains

578. K and Y saying that when they grow up they want to come back and teach at the school

579. Encouraging e-mails and friends praying for me

 

Litany of Humilty

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart,  
Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, 
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, 
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being honored,  
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised,  
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being consulted, 
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being approved,  

Deliver me, Jesus. 

 

From the fear of being humiliated, 
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being despised,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being calumniated,  
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being ridiculed,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being wronged,  
Deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being suspected,  
Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, 
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be esteemed more than I,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be chosen and I set aside, 

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be preferred to me in everything,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

My Heart for You...

I gave my students a task.

I hoped that this task would grow their hearts on Valentines day.

We talked about what it means to be thankful and how we can be thankful for so many things, even the hard things.

So, each one wrote lists. And these lists were more than being thankful for the ones they loved, but also thankful for the details they loved.

And we wrote and cut and taped and created a masterpiece in the hallway. The students were excited to share their new found joy and love with the rest of the school. 

 And I told them that this is my heart for you all...

that you would be thankful for what you have been given.

What is your heart for the people you love?

539. Rusty pictures
540. Our red heater
541. My leather purse
542. The school bag my mother and sister made for me
543. A sweet birthday note from my father
545. Little L's typed birthday note that called me sweet teacher
546. Hundreds of Valentine pictures
547. Grains and eating them
548. Time to exercise in the morning
549. Prayer room
550. New fabric for a traditional dress
551. Fresh strawberries
552. Deep heart hurting talks
553. Abandonment and being ignored
554. Glued things--shoe, bracelet, travel mug
555. How broken things remind me of the war
556. Contrite spirits in my students
557. Snow falling in big fluffy flakes
558. Thankful kids

Barbed Wire

After reading a post over at Scribing the Journey I was inspired to think more about the barbed wire I see. I think people expect that I see a lot of barbed wire. And, well, I do. But after 5 years, I've kind of stopped noticing it. So, I decided to look at it a little closer. I wasn't inspired. It's swirly sometimes, rusty often, and if God was speaking to me through it, I didn't hear.

See? Barbed wire.

But that thought led me to something else. My fifth graders have been asking me a lot of questions about how God talks to me and how I know what He wants me to do. And they want to know if He will speak to them if they ask Him to. My answer is always that God will reveal himself, but most likely not in the way you expect Him to. So look in the unexpected places and keep your eyes open all the time. All of creation is God's spoken word to us.

So wait, does that mean that God is speaking to me through the barbed wire after all?

What I Saw on My Walk Home...

The Day I Left My Camera at the House

I went for a walk today and saw so many things I wished that I had been able to capture and share and even remember. I felt like my meditative Eeyore feelings helped things pop out--like the red rust encrusted tricycle laying in overgrown grass. Ok, maybe they weren't all beautiful things exactly... but I enjoyed them.

I enjoyed the details of the patterns of silver paint and rust along the sides of the poles that line the street.

My lack of enthusiasm fit neatly into a loop of curling barbed wire that neatly framed the snowy mountains beyond.

The gang graphiti and painted on advertisements gave me a chance to practice my language and reading skills.

I passed the old white haired man who walked with the swinging gait of a severe limp. And two boys stared at my face trying to figure out where this pale, bundled and fully hatted person might be from.

A dark faced man from Africa, probably, was hosing down vast expanses of shiny black tile, threatening the lives of every person to walk into the grocery store for the next half hour.

The metal work shop was closed, the metal gate locked. And the pavement was spotted with grease stains where the cars from the nearby auto repair shop had been parked waiting their turns.

The stacks of cinder blocks about to be used for building projects create roadblocks of different sizes, and the long narrow hills of rusted rebar also speak to ongoing construction.

The candy wrappers, beer cans, the dust, the bits of broken glass, and the spiny bushes weave themselves in and out of the chain-link fence and across the red brick sidewalk.

This is life... this is a walk.

And my thanks... continuing.

520. Being able to get our propane heater to light
521. Watching TV shows with my room mate
522. S being happy with me turning in my tests and grades
523. Little boys running and screaming in the street (happily!)
524. T's jokes on the Skype call
525. Evening sunshine glory
526. J's return and his glowing at being back
527. New book to read and cozy up in for the day
528. Gematria
529. Polar Bear desktop
530. A clean hawsha
531. Strawberries in the market
532. New 75 watt lightbulbs in the kitchen
533. Lightning flashes and deep thunder
534. A whole day alone, quiet, getting work done
535. E's highlights and A's gray hairs
536. The smoothness of my kindle
537. The radiance that comes from young men set free in God
538. Worn and loved books returned

Burger Fuel

      Last night I had a totally new experience for our city. It was a really good restaurant burger. See, a new chain, called Burger Fuel opened up from New Zealand. It's awesome! The beef tasted like actual beef (I guess it's all imported), not like sheep or something that has spent its whole life eating trash.  Hooray for Burger Fuel!

Image snagged from the Burger Fuel Website

I rarely go out to eat here, partly because cooking at home is cheaper, but mostly because of the food at restaurants out. It's usually not very healthy, not very good, and sometimes will even make you physically ill. But this place was in tip top form. Ok, so it's also not the healthiest food on the planet, but this chain is more careful than McDonalds about what it serves.

A very accurate advertisement from Burger Fuel!

The other really neat thing about our dining experience there was the service. Now, customer service is not a big thing here. Most waiters in restaurants sit around watching TV, smoking, and drinking tea. But these guys worked hard, literally ran to get the door when people entered or exited, and asked us if we wanted the heat turned up after we sat down. How cool is that?!

So, a group of us girls had a good night out and ate amazing food that we have missed while living here. Thanks to Burger Fuel for opening a new branch out here!

Elegy to the Tomato Plant

I finally pulled up all my dead plants yesterday and it reminded me of this photo from about a month ago. It's mid-January and one of the plants wasn't wholly dead. It was a three foot straggle of brown vine with two small branches near the end that were still green. No tomatoes were on it, but it was preparing to bloom again, six small buds ready to produce a couple more tomatoes the size of air-soft pellets. I pulled up the plant anyway. It was making a mess of our front porch. I did feel a little guilty; after all, it had hung on all this time. But practicality and the desire not to have feelings for something without a soul pushed me on and now it's well buried in the tall red trash can downstairs. It was a valiant little plant and it managed to produce these four dainty tomatoes before it's final demise. I'm not growing tomatoes again. The pain of their struggle against the elements is just too much.

Returning

In the last month I've returned to America, returned to family, returned to the Middle East, returned to my students, and now I'm returning to my blog. It's an amazing concept: "returning". There are so many things in life that we go back to again and again. Sometimes it is like the dog returning to his vomit as we return to our sins. But I find that more often I go back again and again to the good things I love. I return to family because I love them and love spending time with them. I return to my students because of my love for them and God's love for them as well. How blessed I am to have people whom I love and who love me to see and enjoy no matter which way I turn.

I've not posted my thankful list in a long long time, so I'm posting some now...
499. A visit from Kay, Lisa, and Dave
500. Ericka Corban and her latest CD
501. Sleep when it is sorely needed
502. Power outage quietness
503. Daily front window sunset
504. Laptop computer warmth
505. Phantom prism rainbows
506. Wine delivery
507. Productive grading times
508. Giant gifted sunglasses
509. Not needing the heater because of my awesome blankets
510. A Christian Thanksgiving 
511. Having e-mailed in my first two sets of grades
512. Reading a book that is really good that I had read so long ago that I had forgotten about it
513. The gas truck song
514. The mullah's call to  prayer
515. My phone ringing
516. Early morning energy
517. Surging warm love for my  kids
518. Farkle games and laughter
519. My new brown sweater a spontaneous gift off my friend's back

It's a Small Small World

There are some days when the world just seems to contract. Today I want to write poetry about it, but I can't somehow. I don't know if the smallness of the world is created by my getting older, or by my travel around the world, or something else. It is partly created by the internet. When one blog quotes someone from your hometown and and you "virtually" meet someone on facebook who just had dinner with your parents half a world away, it's hard to keep straight which world I actually live in. The two (or three) very distinct worlds have begun to blur. My students read books from my hometown authors and blogger authors in part because I have brought those books here, but also because of something else. This something else is the REAL reason the world feels small...

The body of Christ is all connected. Whether on this continent, or the next one over, or across a vast ocean, God's church is all knit together. We are, after all, one body. So, when all this small worldness seems strange, I only need to remind myself that it is a wonderful and supernatural thing in the world and begin to revel. So today, I revel in the day of small things... small worlds... worlds where the lips work together to smile, where the two hands clap together in praise.

469. Checking twitter more often to see my students update their thankful lists
470. A spinning glass with butterflies in orange
471. Coming home to a good dinner cooked by Molly
472. Teresa's house all decorated for fall
473. The smell of a curling iron heating in the cool morning air
474. Having a weekend  to rest and recover from illness
475. Crazy hair day and mismatch day at school
476. Words of life written on a student's page
477. Giving books away to people who will love them and read them
478. Eager faces earning prizes
479. Free meat from the neighbors--being reminded of sacrifice and what it really looks like: death
480. Beautiful Persian rugs
481. Not being in a war  zone
482. Frank Sinatra and Swing Music
483. Days full of cooking
484. Clean Ikea down comforter gift in the second-hand bazaar
485.Whole wheat flour and oatmeal in large quantities
486. Hospitality and love  from friends with coffee and pumpkin scones
487. Laundry smells
488. Reading aloud with the power off
489. Good friends visiting
490. Late nights chatting
491. Amazing Grace sung by a small group of Muslim and Christian students in harmony together
492. Prayers for breakthrough
493. Honesty that is convicting
494. Being uninvited from a party at the last minute
495. Super slow internet
496. Peppery beef stew
497. Time to fold laundry
498. Forgetting how to spell "laundry"

Free Meat Day

This is the day where we, here in the Middle East, relive the Old Testament days and receive a black plastic back with random chunks of meat and bone. The holiday is called The Feast of Korban, literally feast of sacrifice. Some of our neighbors sacrificed something (a cow? maybe a sheep?) and drove around the neighborhood doling it out to everyone who answered their doorbell.

Everyone is Someone Else

Last weekend we had a costume party with the high school students. The costumes were lots of fun and the teachers who came were really into it as well. I think all the students had a good time and everyone was able to relax and laugh.

 

Doctor and Patient

 

The Little Bee is attacked and then rescued.

 

Jack Sparrow and a random pirate lady (me)

 Our local military contingent

 Dancing was the main activity for the evening. 

 My dear photographer student-friend and another student

 This is what teachers do at parties

Obama even came to our party. 

This guy was the biggest surprise of the night for the students, 

a former teacher flew in for a week.

 Our very own punk rocker signs an autograph

Bruce Springsteen

 What set of pictures would be complete without Mr. P and food?

 I'm still not exactly sure what was going on here... but it looks cool.