Fear

Recently I've been working through my fears. There are many of them. I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear... so I fight it. But there are so many and from so many directions that sometimes I feel so lost in it all.

You see, I'm afraid of not fitting in. The transition back to the U.S. stirs up this ugly fear that has to do with what people think of me and what I think of them. I'm also afraid of fitting in. I don't want to be like everyone else. Iraq has changed me and I don't want to lose that. But then I'm also afraid of pretending to fit in even when I don't. The combination of not wanting to fit in and wanting to belong makes me horribly likely to try to look like I fit in while all the time decaying on this inside because I am different.

I am not who I was before... before ever. I am not an Idahoan... a Tennessee-an... or an Iraqi. Who am I? I'm a child of God whose true home is Heaven. Unfortunately this means that I'm an alien, an exile in a foreign land here. And that's hard.

 

Thankful List
782. Dr. Jerry's random e-mails.
783. Moments of impact that define who you are and who you become
784. Silver nail polish
785. Choices I've never had to make
786. God forgives instead of becoming bitter at my betrayal
787. Free music from Josh Garrels
788. Picture of Katie and Jonathan in the mail
789. Smooth flights
790. Heat at Loon Lake
791. A day of complete independence
792. People who understand
793. Birds in the backyard
794. Having sent off the e-mails about my house stuff
795. Coming to terms with probably never going back
796. Several applications submitted
797. Tears... everywhere
798. Forgiveness
799. People happy to see me at the Nuart
800. Being able to help and be of use to someone
801. Stomach hunger
802. Fast internet
803. The regular hum of a washing machine in the house
804. Feeling lost and unsure of where I am to go (this is a hard one)

A Day Entirely in the Imperative

Blink. Again. Spread your arms and yawn. Slide out of your bed, arch your back, and creep catlike to the bathroom. Now wake up. Wake up for real. See the world, not just as  you've always thought of it in the morning of a new day but as it really is. Pay attention to the details in the grooved bark of a tree or the spots on a butterfly's wings or the white foam on the tip of the ocean waves. Choose today to become truly aware as the story unfolds and plots crash together in front of your toast and orange juice.

Walk out into the sunshine or clouds of the day clothed with peace. Open the car doors and drive away grateful to God that it runs and moves and doesn't explode when you turn the key in the ignition. Don't rage at the crazy driving man who doesn't stop at the stop sign and don't swear at the woman who can't figure out where she's going. Give thanks for your parking spot, near or far.

Enter your workplace, glad for a profession, a way to provide for yourself, a place to learn new things, a way to serve like Jesus did. Communicate open heartedly and reach out to the people around you. Love them because you are commanded to. Love them because God does. Love them because red blood has been shed.

Breathe. Pray. Admit your empty inadequacy and your hollow weakness. Suck in another breath and fill your lungs with air. Be filled with the breath of life, the Spirit of all grace. Be thankful for that air and that grace. But turn your heart to be thankful not only in the pleasant graces but also in the severe mercies, the endings in things as well as the beginnings. Feel the pain of the losses and grief but rejoice. Rejoice in the trials, troubles, and sorrow. Seek Christ's grace, Christ's goodness, Christ's joy. Again, be thankful.

Work hard. Glorify God in what you do. And at the end of the day return home and value that you have an address to put on forms and a pillow to rest your head upon. Be a blessing to the people in your home, not a curse. Smile. Say hello and goodbye, please and thank you.

When you eat, consider how death gives life when the body of the dead is consumed by the living. Remember the sacred things and how whenever we eat of bread or drink of cup we proclaim something. Proclaim death purposefully, resurrection gladly, and Jesus' return with sure hope. Do not eat or drink in vain, but with community, gratitude, humility, and joy.

And at the end, after the sun has set, lay yourself down, weary from fully living a whole day. Rest and pray and commune with the God who filled each moment with life and joy more than any one of us could manage to grasp in those moments. Then sleep well and peacefully preparing yourself for the next day's gifts to be revealed.

Pancakes and Bluegrass

764. Tears for Jeremiah
765. Dave's words of encouragement... we are not defeated
766. Noni finishing and folding my laundry
767. Robin's hysterical laughter when she gets tired
768. Moments where you just wish time would slow and you could hold onto it for a really long time
769. Round topped doors
770. Fido's
771. The little Toyota Yaris rental car
772. The gut weight of hard times
773. Being done with buying plane tickets
774. Breakfast at the Hocks
775. Large team meals with everyone from everywhere!
776. Newsletter success
777.  He will have His bride as rich as Himself, and He will not have a glory or a grace in which she shall not share.--Spurgeon
778. Hugs of friends who are new
779. Having so little to give
780. "From Depths of Woe"
781. Napping in the D's living room on a Sunday afternoon

Cincinnati

Epiphanies

So I found this book in McKay's bookstore. (McKay's is like the Costco of used books; it's amazing and addicting and very very dangerous.) The book is called "The 3 A.M. Epiphany: Uncommon Writing Exercises That Transform Your Fiction." And while I don't tend to write fiction, I liked the idea of learning to write in different ways and I also like the idea of having epiphanies!

Yesterday and today I began working on the first lesson. Writing something that is obviously in the first person perspective without using the words "I", "me", or "my" more than twice all together. This is not easy. Sometimes it feels awkward. Sometimes it just ends up branching out to be more creatively said. I'm still working on it.

It kind of reminds me of the time my sister wrote an entire paper for her Rhetoric teacher without using the letter "e". He didn't even notice. And I don't expect anyone who might happen to read my short 600 word first person perspective writing to notice that "me" is used only once and "I" is used only once. But I do hope that they notice the point that I'm trying to get across.

Family Reunions

Family reunions are amazing things. There are so many people and everyone knows each other (or is meeting each other) and it always gets bigger and bigger. People mingle in and out and it's not like other parties where people feel like they have to impress others. Here we're family. We've traveled overseas together. That means we've all seen each other stinky, groggy, and jet-lagged. There's no pretense left. I like it. It's comfortable. I like that. 

Buying Plane Tickets

Some days it feels like everything will always be hard. Some days just communicating with people is overwhelming. Some days even the hopeful parts of life seem too far off, even if they are less than two months away. But some days... you have to buy plane tickets. And sometimes those are the worst days ever. 

Kentucky Sunset

Thankful Again

 

736. 60% Dark Chocolate

737. Overcoming the darts of the evil one
738. Messages from my students
739. Skype voicemail
740. Getting Excel to do what I want!
741. My presence making a difference to friends
742. Ericka playing and singing
743. K and C's purple mouthed baby's smile
744. Smiles at scarf gifts
745. Fresh cake donuts
746. Pretty new planner
747. Refining fire that burns off my bondage



748. Seeing Patrick
749. Tribute blend coffee fresh ground
750. Helping others process through details
751. Katie's fake eyelashes
752. Jonathan and his groomsmen praying in the chapel
753. The look on Jonathan's face as he made his vows
754. Katie looking like a model
755. My friend "giving me permission" to get married
756. Golden honey drizzling
757. Drinking tap water
758. Words that speak God's direction for my future
759. White t-shirt
760. Amazing foods... over and over again
761. Laughter and talking around the table, in the living room, at the airport
762. My new piercing
763. Adjusting to America more purposefully

Blowing Bubbles in the Evening

 Bubbles are some of the most beautiful things on earth, I think.

 But, because they move and reflect light, they are very hard to photograph...
 

especially at night.

 One interesting thing is that you can see your reflection in them.

 But that reflection is short lived.

Sometimes you get the chance to see amazingly weird or wonderful things. 
 

How often do I forget those things when the situation is over? When the bubble pops?

There are so many things I never want to forget. Reflections I don't want to lose.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a neatly piled stack of stones. I might fall over any minute if the ground shakes and I don't feel like I have a whole lot of purpose.

But then I remember some other things about these little towers. First of all, they don't happen by accident. It is obvious that someone put it there on purpose. So also with me. I know God made me and put me here on purpose.

The second truth comes from the Old Testament. God asked people to set up piles of stones in several stories so that when people came by they would ask what that pile of stones was for. And the reason for the rocks was always something having to do with the guidance of their faithful God. So the stones were there to glorify God. They pointed to God and his greatness. What else could I ask for?

Maybe I am content to be a pile of stones.

Realizing...

...that I really need to get my newer photos uploaded so I have something new to post... oh, that... and write something. =)

Baby Peach Fuzz

Blank Books of Thankfulness

I spent the last four days in Denver, Colorado with my sister. One afternoon she tucked me away at a little bookstore called the "Tattered Cover".  If I owned a bookstore, I would want it kind of like this: full of cubby holes and nooks with couches and wooden chairs. Nearly everything is wooden; the ceiling beams are exposed and the floor creaks. Books seem to belong wrapped around with more of themselves, more tree. And sitting among the stained shelves, running my hand along the smooth wood-grain of the table, I feel at home... almost.

I sat next to the blank book section. This was a bit of a difficulty as I am somewhat of a fanatic for blank books and journals. I am very picky about them, however, preferring certain styles and most importantly narrow lines. Blank books are full of possibility, so full of promise, they are empty and unknown. They are the place for stories, real stories, that have not become yet. They are untold. This is exciting... most of the time. The uncertainty can be terrifying as well, that is, if the focus is on the emptiness of the page rather than the story and its author.  

714. A long talk with Katie
715. Unlimited minutes phone plan
716. New pink shirt
717. Scarves
718. I like my feet!
719. New jeans and earphones
720. Being sure of my shoes
721. Laughing with Laurel
722. My sister forgave me for how I treated her as a child
723. I did a lot of confessing as a kid
724. My parents are so creative!
725. New underwear
726. "We Would See Jesus" by Roy and Revel Hession
727. "The Tattered Cover" bookstore that provides inspiration and rest
728. Little boy at Chinese grocery
729. My new computer
730. Jake's giggles
731. Little boys who like to go fishing
732. Mango Caramel Chicken
733. Cilantro
734. Successful made-up pasta salad!
735. Laughing with Katie

My Parents' Yellow Pot-Tower

Backyard Pics

Tulip Thankfulness

I've much to be thankful for. I haven't been very good at writing it all down lately... 
God is good.
 
694. Pauli's here
695. Feeling grief
696. Dirty feet
697. Never being suspected
698. Team phone call
699. Being done with my speech
700. A good chat with Molly
701. Only one social engagement today
702. Fear Not... for I am with you
703. Flowers delivered from Lizzy
704. Doggy snores
 

705. Lizzy-isms
706. Moments of quiet
707. Mom's foot and back rubs
708. Playing games (like Settlers of Catan)
709. Finding new favorite clothes
710. A nice pedicure that still lasts!
711. Jeeves and Wooster
712. Jesus Calling gift from a friend
713. My mother's tulips 
 
 

Bees

Thankful List Backlog

634. Funny spellings and English on the headstone

635. A beautiful view

636. The circle road and how you never will be impossibly lost in this city

637. BreathSavers peppermints however old

638. Being compared to a terrorist organization

639. the one lone flower left

640. The K fam squished into one triangle of the rotating dorway

641. All the luggage making it through

642. Being upgraded to business class and it being awesome

643. My salty gift: more tears

644. My sweet gift: Jason Gray's song "How I Ended Up Here"

645. My gift just right:  an awesome back massage

646. D having my back

647. Refining fire

648. Praying together

649. Communion

650. My years here at the school

651. Students who love me and want me to be their teacher

652. Precocious 5th graders

653. Kids who come to school anyway

654. The reflection room

655. A meeting with Y

656. That Y doesn't have it out for me

657. The thunderstorm, lightning, hail, and drenching rain

658. Wrapped sea glass necklace

659. Communal battery licking

660. Faithlynn's teary performance

661. He will complete that which he has begun  (He doesn't give up!)

662. He gives comfort

663. H's tears of love for me

664. Y making some sense when he talks

665. Pepperoni

666. Pizzas

667. Tear drops of concern and care

668. My new enjoyment  of eggs

669. Pasta with parmesan cheese

670. Whiteboards in my classrooms

671. A dear friend who fasts and prays for me

672. A power outage that brings quiet from construction noise so I can take a nap

673. Hannah here for a visit

674. Student comments that could get me in t

675. The love and care of my team for me

676. The tulips spreading wide in the heat of the afternoon

677. The hyacinths' blooming smell

678. Great quotes from great writers

679. Katie's news! Yay!

680. Being an idiot again

681.Teaching girls to become women of character

682. Green mountains

683. My car didn't blow up today

684. Getting fresh clothes for tomorrow.

685. I know faithful teens

686. Bone-weary days

687. Being counted worthy

688. A rose in a glass

689. A momentary panic  seeing a man with an earpiece--but able to recover

690. Bacon

691. Full breakfast with no puking

692. Chatting with Molly

693. Super fast internet

Cheekwood