Weary...but...

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, 

if we do not give up. --Galatians 6:9

Ok. But what happens when we ARE weary whether we like it or not? I ask myself this because I am weary. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I've found that some clarity comes from the later part of the verse... "do not give up". I am not giving up.

For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully 

works within me.--Colossians 1:29

This I can do only be God's grace and His power that works within me. I know that my power will not suffice. But in my weakness that feels nearly overwhelming at times, I see God's perfect grace and love. I hear him rejoice over me with singing, not because of anything I've done, but just out of his beautifying love. How great his grace. All is grace.

Thankful today.

612. Grieving in front of the world
613. The casket not fitting at first and D joking about how you can't keep a good man down
614. "How the Emptiness Sings"
615. People who write me their prayers for me
616. Old friends who know me
617. Loaning books on kindle
618. A chat with my friends gathered in Nashville for the Memorial Service there
619. Lots and lots of city power lately
620. All the people who deliver meals
621. Hot showers
622. the blood of Christ
623. forgiveness through the blood
624. cleansing through the blood
625. Jer's Bangladeshi skirt
626. getting over nearly vomiting at the sight and smell of blood

627. new back exercises and stretches that give me something to do that is focused

628. our working propane heater

629. hours that continue to pass by

630. being open and honest when people ask me how I'm doing (I don't know!)

631. the donations from the students for the family's tickets here

632. The continuing construction next door that lets me know of life going on

633. the ability to just be

For Such a Time As This...

The books on my shelf speak to me: You have been prepared.

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanuaken--The story of a man whose wife dies and he counts it mercy.
A Chance to Die by Elizabeth Elliot--The biography of Amy Carmichael and her willingness to die to self.
A Path Through Suffering also by Elizabeth Elliot
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

A few other biographies, some Agatha Christie mysteries, and Augustine's Confessions are there too. Some school books peer back at me with mocking as I avoid processing my grades. But those few titles stood out to me. These have been some of my favorite books and they are ready to walk with me again. Why did I love them before? Has God been preparing me for this? 

Luke 1:76-79

“And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Highest;
For you will go before the face of the Lord to prepare His ways,
To give knowledge of salvation to His people
By the remission of their sins,
Through the tender mercy of our God,
With which the Dayspring from on high has visited us;
To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death,
To guide our feet into the way of peace.”

Again Thankful... maybe?

Today I tried to be thankful as my grief was filmed  and photographed for national and international media.

Is this grace too?

"Really, God? This too?"
And he said, "Yes, this and all things for My glory."
"Is my pain to be spectacle?"
"Was Jesus' pain secret? Was it quiet and alone?"

"Ahhh... I see... this is part of the suffering.... And so I rejoice that I am counted worthy to suffer for Christ to be like him in all things."

All is Grace

All that I can do right now is count the little things... 


580. Finishing my little booklets project!
581. Pepperoni pizza
582. The smell of disinfectant
583. A good hair day
584. The grey tan sky with sun beams breaking through
585. Having made cinnamon rolls a month ago and put them in the freezer
586. The body of Christ is my family
587. The whole city is my family
588. The loss of my dear friend and colleague and my dear student (trying to be thankful here)
589. Peace with lots of people in my home
590. Food brought
591. Toilet paper brought
592. My team is my family
593. Ladies who come and remind me to eat
594. Heart-wrenching pain and the solemnity it causes
595. Joy from realizing the good that will come from sorrow and hurt
596. Understanding the meaning of communion and blood so much better
597. Notes, e-mails, condolences
598. Laughter over fond and funny memories
599. Pictures taken of quotes on my wall... "What is the gift in THIS moment?"
600. New found boldness
601. The beautiful snow that covers the city in white, there is so much symbolism there.
602. Identifying the attack of the evil one in myself and banishing it
603. Three days of our house filled wall to wall with people that are going from grief to joy
604. A day at home without more than 30 people in our home...
605. The flowers that people brought--so beautiful
606. Homemade toffee nut lattes brought by a dear friend
607. God's provision on a grand scale
608. My first night of solid sleep in several days
609. J doing our laundry, bless that woman!
610. The flower pin that R gave me and gives me hope
611. The knowledge that God will give me the grace to handle each day as it comes, even if looking forward can seem overwhelming