Monday, May 29, 2006

I am shifting...

It feels like every shred of who I have been these last four years is being stripped away, piece by piece by piece. Next week I am selling my car. I bought this car when I first began college. I bought it with scholarship money so I could to and from school. Today, I moved out of my apartment, the one place in the world that ever felt mine. It wasn’t my family’s home, it wasn’t a friend’s house that I happened to be living in, it was my home. A huge part of me grew there. A huge part of my roommate N. and my relationship grew there. It really hurt leaving that tiny little place with the last of my belongings this evening. It wasn’t the space, or the walls and carpet, so much as everything that went with it: independence, freedom, cooperation, ownership, and peaceful living. That was by far the most peaceful place I have ever lived. I would come home midday to find my roommate K. asleep on the couch or finding how many different ways you can stand up without bending your knees. Sometimes late at night N., K., and I would stay up late drinking wine or eating ice cream, just talking. We would talk and talk about whatever struck our fancy. Life, theology, philosophy, what it means to love, flirts, broken relationships, prayer, our families; no deep topic was without our scope. And now it is gone. I am off to a place that is not mine, where my independence will be reduced, and where I have to begin all over with relationships and friendships. No one there really knows me. I am an enigma to even those who have known me for a while. That said, sometimes I even confuse myself. Part of me is not excited to start over. Part of me is enthusiastic about the idea of a new adventure, rising like the mist from the warm pavement on a rainy evening. A feeling like the English moors with their dusky fog, not entirely pleasant looking and yet filled with an illusive and seductive mystery.

6 comments:

Hannah Jean said...

Leaving the comfortable and stepping into the unknown is so hard. But God is wherever you go and he has such good planned for you if you trust him!

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21

Matthew N. Petersen said...

Tollans se in crucem coronam suam tollas.

thebeloved said...

hannah--Thank you.

matt--Mirabilissimum est.

mreddie said...

Ran across a quote by Bruce Barton that seemed somewhat to fit. “Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.” May God’s blessings go with you. ec

Nathan said...

English moors and dusky fog reminds me of "Hound of the Bakservilles". But don't worry, Sherlock Holmes wins in the end :)

thebeloved said...

mreddie--thank you, the quote is good.

nathan--ooh! Yes, Doyle has a great talent for moores and fog.