Farther Along

Two thousand twelve... it's been a long year. How does that work? How do some years feel longer than others? Or shorter? They say that as you get older time seems to go faster. This past year... the fog was slow, the walking forward was slow, everything was slow. I don't understand it all... I get glimpses now and then. But I trust that some day "we'll know all about it" and "understand why".

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why

The good man died, the bad man thrives

And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both

We're all cast-aways in need of rope

Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope

In a house of mirrors full of smoke

Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along

To every chorus of the song

That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates

Leading mice and men down to their fates

But some will courageously escape

The seductive voice with a heart of faith

While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told

It's full of beauty that will unfold

And shine like you struck gold my wayward son

That deadweight burden weighs a ton

Go down into the river and let it run

Wash away all the things you've done

Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side

Between the rock and a compromise

Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul

And I've got no place left go

'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown

More glory than the world has known

Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall

I'm free to love once and for all

And even when I fall I'll get back up

For the joy that overflows my cup

Heaven filled me with more than enough

Broke down my levees and my bluffs

Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us

Some rejoice and the others fuss

'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess

That the Son of God is forever blessed

His is the kingdom, we're the guests

So put your voice up to the test

Sing Lord, come soon 

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by

(Thanks for the song goes to Josh Garrels)

Look! I Made a Hat!

Years

Lots of people name their years. I've thought about it... tried... One year in college I asked for Boldness and God took me to Japan. Years ago I prayed that I would learn Servanthood. The year before last I prayed for Harvest, and I received. The next year I prayed for Humility and Thankfulness (http://bit.ly/TrdZMP), again... crushing blows paired with good love and joys. He gives and gives and gives again. And I am afraid. What do I dare pray for? For God will give it to me. This is a frightening thing.

When little Merida in "Brave" asked for her mother to be changed, she didn't know what it was that she really needed and what it was that she was really going to get. In fairy stories people ask witches for things and get what they ask for but it isn't what they thought and they'd be more careful if they thought that they would actually get what they were asking for. How much more should I truly consider what I ask God for?

I've thought of things... self-discipline in the spiritual disciplines... discipline is a big one. But I'm too scared to ask for that, to scared of what form it could come in. I desire grace and wisdom. I yearn to encourage and bless the people around me. I ache to be whole and well without losing compassion and sensitivity to what God has done through Christ in me and in the world. I want to be fearless. I want to be willing to be open and vulnerable to people so that they can see what God has done. Because God gives and gives and gives again. I am so blessed.

So, I don't know what this year will bring, or what I'll name it, if I'll name it, or if I"ll find what it is that I'll ask God for this year.

Crying Snow

How hard it has been not to be returning to Iraq this year... after Christmas... flying out and knowing that in less than a day I would reach my destination and that it would be Nashville not Suly... America not the Middle East. I've cried on and off for the last three days about it. It distracted me... and people ask... and I manage to choke out that it's just so much more real that that life is gone for me. It sinks into my heart another level.

But God doesn't leave me there.

He gives me love. He gives me snow. He turns my tears into crystal loveliness.

Broken

Why is this world, these people, so broken?
Sickness, persecution, grief, sorrow...
Hundreds of terrified nightmares will be griefly tread through for months, even years to come.
Children too small to sit in the front seat will jump at at every door slammed.
The sound of running feet will cause quickening heart beats.
Walking into the classroom again will bring teachers to tears.
But for now, they are numb with pain and a fog of the unreal.
And I know this feeling of broken shock, of certain acts being committed where it seems most wrong.
And it weighs heavy.

Special Grace

My phone was run over the other day. What grace!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;not forsaken;struck down, but not destroyed..." 

This is my grace that every day, every time I pick up my fully functional phone, I am reminded. It was struck down but not destroyed... as I have been and will be. It should have been crushed, but it was not, as so I should have been, but am not.

Words

In Iraq I learned a lot of new words... they were just not in English. While I miss those words and learning more of them, I have re-discovered the joy of learning new words in English!

Some recent discoveries are:
1. The "Maledictory Oath"--may something bad happen to me if I don't fulfill my end of the bargain
2. Solecism--a grammatical mistake in speech or writing, or a breach of good manners
3. Eucatastrophe--the sudden salvation of a character from some impending doom

The first, made sense in context even though I don't remember having heard it before. The second I actually had to look up and it's been a long time since I looked up a word in English. The third, I admit, I knew before so I didn't really learn it new this time. It's more like I rediscovered an old friend and am so happy to have done so that I couldn't help but add it to the list of words for this week.

Broken Things

My dear mother, knowing of course what I am working through right now in regards to writing something, sent me this video. It was great! I thought it was interesting that what my mom pulled out of it was the appreciation of nature, which is great. But what resonated most with me was the evaluation of how brokenness can create beauty. While this is not a "Christian" talk the point she makes is a very Christian truth. God redeems... he makes beautiful things out of the broken. And those broken places are what can often be used to help repair and make beautiful the broken places in others. These inspire me... because I know I am full of broken places that God is using in the lives of others. The video is a little long, but take the time to watch it!

 

From Chapter 11

I ran across this quote I had copied down from somewhere... all I had put at the top was Ch 11. After google searching the quote I discovered that it was from Perelandra, by C.S. Lewis. It struck me that it went right along with several conversations I've had about distraction, focus, and the chatter of the American world.

" Inner silence is for our race a difficult achievement. There is a chattering part of the mind which continues, until it is corrected, to chatter on even in the holiest places."

The lovely red tree I see out the window of my office

A Father's Care

Said the Robin to the Sparrow,

"I should really like to know

Why these anxious human beings

Rush about and worry so."

Said the Sparrow to the Robin,

"Friend, I think that it must be

That they have no heavenly Father

Such as cares for you and me."

~Elizabeth Cheney "Overheard in an Orchard"

How often do we live as if we had no heavenly father? Those of us who have been adopted into the family of God know that we have a Father who loves and cares more than we could ever know. Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them (Matthew 6:26).

Exercise...

So, today I had plenty of time to exercise. But did I? No. I wasn't totally inactive: I swept and washed the kitchen floor, chopped vegetables, did the dishes. But I didn't go outside. Why? I don't know. I lack motivation. Where does motivation come from? It has to do with when you want something badly enough that it overcomes your desire for personal comfort right now. After all, what gets each of us out of the bed in the morning? So how do I get that to apply to exercise. I don't mind walking or even jogging once I've begun. How do I get to the beginning?

If I had an answer I would have begun already. But I have a few things I'm going to try this week. First, I'm going to go to the gym on the way home. I won't have settled in and curled up and have no desire to leave. Second, I'm going to put up some sticky notes. So... we'll see.

Turkey Day

"But "foodism" can also obscure the real point (and fun) of Turkey Day."

Today I read this in a news article. I don't even remember what the rest of the article was about because I was so flabbergasted by this statement. I find it amazing that a person could be so self-contradicting and actually publish it seriously. For if it really is Turkey Day and all about Turkey, foodism seems to be the most rational response. After all, we're worshiping food. But the author seems to imply that something else other than food (like maybe family and thanks) are really the point of this day. If so, why didn't he just call it "Thanksgiving"?

Gratitude

What Teenagers Do?

I was sitting in Einstein Brothers Bagels on Sunday afternoon journaling, happy in the feeling that I was writing again and that I was enjoying it again, and that my words seemed to be making sense (at least to me!).  I was being thankful, as we all should be this time of year... and every other time of year for that matter. But I digress.

There was a couple sitting in the booth next to mine. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation. They were speaking loudly enough that when my sister called she could hear the guy talking through my phone. They were obviously on first date. She was wearing a hot pink sweater and her make-up was bright to match. With his button up shirt and southern drawl, he paid for their bagels and coffee, making sure she had all she wanted. Their topic of conversation ranged from relationships and divorces, to hobbies, interests, and careers.He mentioned having seen a picture of her and she laughed and said it was taken in Fiji. At one point the woman mentioned that dating seemed kind of awkward and the sort of thing that teenagers are supposed to do, but that she doesn't want to be alone anymore. The desperation in her voice was tangible. From there the conversation took a rare direction for a first date as it turned to the ending of life, health troubles, bifocals, and cataract surgery. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that this man and woman were both rather gray haired and wrinkled. I both pitied them for their rough lives with divorces and grown estranged children. But I also sort of admired them for being willing to go out on a limb to find a relationship, especially after so much failure. I ended up having to go before they did. I was sort of sucked in like people get with TV shows or soap operas (so I'm told). I wanted to know about these people and how it ended up for them. I wanted to know if they would have a second date and how they would pursue this obvious gap in their lives. I never once heard either one mention church or God or anything personally religious. I wonder if they know that God is really who they are looking for.

Beautiful People Don't Just Happen

High Spiders

This is what has been rolling around in my head for the last few months... I mean, this plus trying to figure out life in America and life after huge life-changing events.

Now take that and multiply it a few times and add non-profit organizations and draw lots and lots of lines of connections making something that looks like the web a spider would make when on drugs or maybe more like a group of spiders on caffeine...

(What are we doing to ourselves?)

But that's off topic, which reminds me... I am horribly distractable these days. I can't stay focused on anything productive. It's driving me crazy... or maybe it's a symptom that I'm already crazy. But I already knew that. What was my point?

Oh, yeah. American companies, logos, brands, and products along with all the things they support are incredibly complex and interconnected. Everyone is owned by someone else and everyone supports someone else. Economics, giving, and the government are not nearly so clear cut as we Americans would like.

Food

Advertising is pretty horrible, I've decided. Recently I've spent a lot of time researching restaurants, and by the end of the day there are a handful of restaurants that I really want to try (or visit again). And it's all through the power of advertising. Food described or pictures of food can make you hungry. That's one of the reasons I wonder about all the pictures of food that people take with Instagram or post on Facebook or Twitter. It's a crazy thing that we are trying to do to our friends. No wonder the US is overweight! We all spend our time looking at pictures of food and getting hungry because of it.

Hangman

I run a study hall once a week for some high school students. It can be pretty boring, mellow, quiet... probably everything a study hall is supposed to be. But some days, when the rain makes the room gloomy, or the Monday morning has fogged everyone's brain over, we play hangman for about ten minutes. It's fun, not entirely devoid of mental exercise and gives me the chance to interact with them a little on a personal level. They have yet to be hung. Even the word "why" (which is a great hangman word) didn't phase them. They almost got stuck on "genius" though. Next time I may not give them hands and feet.

Thankful:

• Quiet respectful students even on Mondays
• People who love me for no reason
• Vibrant trees
• My water bottle
• Owning a rain jacket on a rainy day
• Teenage girl giggles
• Long fingernails
• Last minute coffee
• Einstein Brother's Bagels
• Coloring books and colored pencils
• Getting to use green and blue in my cross stitch
• Giraffes that are selfish and get struck by lightning (Andy Griffith reference)
• Tears in church

Potato

I think life sort of got away from me. Well, at least this blog did. Most of my spare moments have not been spent on digging more deeply into the things I understand, but instead on trying to comprehend the surface of things I've never heard of or only have vague recollections of having heard once maybe a long time ago.

I find it funny that I ended up in the US on a year with a presidential election where everyone gets super involved in their own worlds of politics. I think it is hysterical that grocery stores have potatoes that are individually wrapped in plastic and called "microwave ready". I miss conversations with people who are not Christians, but I revel in how I'm surrounded by the body of Christ. I am annoyed that people always drive 10 miles over the speed limit and then tailgate me when I only drive 5 over.

But all that aside, I'm here. I'm in the palm of God's hand. I'm happy most days, blessed every day. And I'm going to try to write more, just to be in the habit of writing. So some of it might end up being nonsense--like microwave ready potatoes.

The Hammer Holds--Bebo Norman

I've been trying to write something about this piece of music for a while now, and find it hard. I feel so deeply some of these things, but I hate to communicate a message of pain without joy. And my life is so full of joy along with the pain.  Today in church a little girl snuggled up to me while my eyes watered as the pastor stretched out his arms describing the cross. Joy, pain, joy... this is the life!

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds