Tuesday, April 16, 2013

December 2, 2005

...But what all this comes to is being unsure about knowing God's will next for me. Right now I want to go to Iraq with a group that runs Classical Christian Schools. But how do I know if I should pursue it and what if I fail? I am so afraid. I am afraid because this opportunity looks so perfect~but other things have looked like a perfect fit too. I don't know if I am just doubting myself, doubting my ability to know God's will, or doubting God, his ability to give me direction. So many times I hear or read that God has a plan for my life... but so often I feel that he has plans for everyone else's lives and God tells me, "Okay, you get to make your own choices and do whatever you want and if it is terrible, too bad!" HA! It works! That was a majorly stupid thought. The lie is so much more obvious when it's on paper. But I do feel somewhat adrift all the same. 

Reflecting again on these things. It is good to see how God did direct me and did have a plan and still does, even when I don't feel it. It is still true that writing out thoughts often shows how foolish they are and the lies are easier to distinguish. But it is also encouraging to me that I haven't felt this way in a long time. I don't know what God is doing with me, but I do not feel adrift. I feel solidly planted on firm ground rather than all storm-tossed by the uncertainty of my future. God is good.

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