Monday, July 09, 2012

Fear


Recently I've been working through my fears. There are many of them. I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear... so I fight it. But there are so many and from so many directions that sometimes I feel so lost in it all.

You see, I'm afraid of not fitting in. The transition back to the U.S. stirs up this ugly fear that has to do with what people think of me and what I think of them. I'm also afraid of fitting in. I don't want to be like everyone else. Iraq has changed me and I don't want to lose that. But then I'm also afraid of pretending to fit in even when I don't. The combination of not wanting to fit in and wanting to belong makes me horribly likely to try to look like I fit in while all the time decaying on this inside because I am different.

I am not who I was before... before ever. I am not an Idahoan... a Tennessee-an... or an Iraqi. Who am I? I'm a child of God whose true home is Heaven. Unfortunately this means that I'm an alien, an exile in a foreign land here. And that's hard.



Thankful List
782. Dr. Jerry's random e-mails.
783. Moments of impact that define who you are and who you become
784. Silver nail polish
785. Choices I've never had to make
786. God forgives instead of becoming bitter at my betrayal
787. Free music from Josh Garrels
788. Picture of Katie and Jonathan in the mail
789. Smooth flights
790. Heat at Loon Lake
791. A day of complete independence
792. People who understand
793. Birds in the backyard
794. Having sent off the e-mails about my house stuff
795. Coming to terms with probably never going back
796. Several applications submitted
797. Tears... everywhere
798. Forgiveness
799. People happy to see me at the Nuart
800. Being able to help and be of use to someone
801. Stomach hunger
802. Fast internet
803. The regular hum of a washing machine in the house
804. Feeling lost and unsure of where I am to go (this is a hard one)

4 comments:

Lisa said...

We just became josh garrels fans too :) where was this picture taken? I likey:)
Plus, I love your realness. please continue.
So great to see you in Nashville. I'm thankful for you, what God has gone, and will continue to do through you! Press on sister!

Anonymous said...

Hate the 795th one :(

-Kallé

Jan Loyd said...

Praying for you, dear sister. I'm your neighbor on Anne's website. My daughter is a military wife and an introvert, so she struggles with being who she is and fitting in wherever God puts them. When I pray for you, I'll do so with a motherly/sisterly heart.
Blessings
Jan Loyd
www.abranchinthevine.com

Quaralya Jabari said...

Hey Lisa.. even I have have my own list of fears.. n I am working on it too!! So just wana say Good Luck!!